Life, The Universe, and Everything

I don't update this frequently enough anymore. hm, let's see, I am currently procrastinating to get ready for interim, which I actually am really enjoying this year [it's where you shadow someone in a profession for two weeks; this year, I picked psychiatry and it's been fascinating!]. School is finally over!! Although I do have to go back in to finish some art projects in the coming weeks . . oh well. I don't have much to do this summer, so I really need to find employment . . if nothing winds up working out, I'll just read/relax/sleep my last summer before college, which wouldn't be so bad either. Any way this winds up working out, it's going to be a good few months. And I guess this is my life right now! I'm pretty happy/content at the moment. Woohoo.

I have not written in this in so long!! I should update more frequently. actually, a lot has gone on since September! I can't cover everything in this blog, but I'll skim over the basics:
- I'm going to Brown next year! I found out I got in in December. what a relief.
- my life is very very very boring at the moment. I have filled the lack of interesting things in my life with celebrity obsessions.
- I don't think I'll be working at stay and play this coming summer.
- school is ALMOST 2/3 of the way over this year!!! woooo!
- my happiness/self-confidence has been on one hell of a rollercoaster ride this year.
more later. homework time . . ugh

I'm not going to have one until after college apps are in, basically. but this note is kind of about something else. it's not only about the lack of time I have for a social life; it's about the lack of quality.
this summer, I was pretty content with where I stood socially and the friendships I was making, forgive a few moments. but now that school's in session again, I feel like I'm trapped. I feel half-included in one circle of friends, as kind of an extension but not an integral part, and it feels like I used to have full membership but now I guess I'm just old news. on the opposite end of the spectrum, I feel like I'm being trapped in a different group that I might not want to be confined to, for various reasons . . mainly that I just don't like the idea of being pinned down in a corner, hah. I have two or three friends that do not belong in either group; that is fine and dandy. but I don't see the majority of them enough, and it's just . . not enough to keep me happy.
the other thing is, I don't really think I'm being listened to. I can't count how many times already this year I've tried to be included in a conversation, only to realize a few moments after I begin speaking that no one is paying attention to a single word I'm saying. I would understand if I were being nosy, or ridiculously obnoxious or something, but I don't think I'm THAT unbearable. weird, yes; intolerable, no. I know that the vast majority of the school hates me, and always will . . I thought that was changing a little, but I guess it isn't and I just have to accept that I'll never get a fresh start with anyone until college. oh, god, can I last another year of this? I'll have to . . this sounds so melodramatic, but I can't even help it. blech.
my social status is jammed. I can't talk to anyone above my hierarchal "level," and I can't change anyone's opinion of me. I'm not a dweeb. I have a sense of humor. yes, I'm sensitive, but I'm not a total social retard. maybe why some friendships have gone down the drain recently is because I'm just not cool enough as far as social stature goes; maybe not. but regardless of the reasons, I just feel a little bit abandoned.
I already know I won't be making much social progress this year; why should I even give a shit anymore?

hello! so the mandatory nature-based ordeal of camp manitowish commences for my fourth and final time tomorrow. I'm staying back in camp this time, to help the freshmen. it should be okay, I don't really know what to expect yet. we'll have to wait and see! my stomach hurts though, and that just reminds me . . I'm not really a huge fan of the food there. eh. oh well. I'll move onto bigger and better things in the meantime.
this summer has just sped by! I had high expectations in early June, but it turned out to be just mediocre. that's fine, next summer should be better . . I just had way too many obligations! you know, I thought I'd do so much "pleasure reading" for myself this summer, I bought new books to add to my already-growing pile of must-reads, and yet I'm scrambling to finish my required reading a mere week before school begins. [I understand that the writing in this blog sounds pretentious, so I apologize for that . . usually swearing takes the edge off of faked sophistication, so I'll try to throw in some of my vernacular speech in the remainder of this blog . . wow I am a prick. anyway.]
I feel good now, though. the weekend's been pretty great. I finished a 700-page book, read a 300-page one [only one 650-page one to go! . . great] and did other things in between, too! tennis is going well this season. I wasn't even going to join, but it's actually working out decently so far this season. Friday and Saturday morning will forever be remembered as a somewhat-cliché "teenage experience," no further comment [ ;) ]. I managed to patch up some long-felt tension this past week, and hopefully that situation will only improve from here on out. I'm really really stressed out about the next few months and how everything will work out, and I mean EVERYTHING, but once October is over I should be a little bit more relaxed. *self-reminder: purchase concert tickets . . for October 26th and November 21st . . DO NOT FORGET!* the reality of the fact that I'll know whether I'm into my top choice for college in . . 3.5 months?! . . is a little bit scary, but I'm ready to know. kind of. I'm really nervous. I need to step up my service hours, definitely after tennis ends. this is a bit scary, you know? I also need to retake the SAT in early October . . blaaaaargghhhh so much stuff to worry about, so little time! once this year is over, I'll be pretty happy, or relieved at least. I'm always stuck somewhere between boredom and overstressed-ness [definitely not an actual word], and am never able to find the contented, happy balance in between. I do think that my self-confidence has recently turned in the positive direction; mentally, it's slowly built up over the course of the summer, and I just hope I haven't been pompous lately; physically, I'm starting to be happy with what I see in the mirror, but not completely yet. definitely not completely, I just am able to realize that perfection is relative and unreachable nonetheless. this is 3 a.m.-babble, but oh well, you read it; if anyone actually did read this, I shouldn't flatter myself.
well, I should get to sleep sometime soon, but I'll see you all latahz. goodnight!

it's summer! it's 3:40 a.m. and I have to work in a few hours! yay . . ?! there's a lot that's been going on lately. vacation is speeding by, split between: working at stay & play [daycare], taking voice/piano/guitar lessons [individually], doing all 6 behind-the-wheel lessons [LICENSE ONE WEEK FROM TODAY HOPEFULLY?!], doing assigned summer reading, and having a bit of fun in between . . that last part is a bit difficult. my birthday is one week from today, and I have no idea what I'm doing for it . . well, I have a really lame idea in mind but nothing is finalized, haha. ummm this is going to be a really random blog. uh, I'm not super-excited for senior year but hopefully it will be more fun than junior year. I think I know most of the schools I'll be applying to, but am nervous for how that's going to turn out. hence, I think I'll put off thinking about it for another month or so and stop stressing so much!
hmmm. I usually have a point when I blog, but this really isn't that great since I'm really tired . . I think I have insomnia? the past few nights I haven't been able to fall asleep, and I either wake up too late or wake up tired and having to go to work . . I've fallen asleep at work, SHHH, but it's not like anybody actually works thanks to gross overstaffing. sometimes I rant about how people don't do anything at work when I actually have my hands full and need help, but my behavior as of late is kind of hypocritical in that sense . . I'm tired, alright?! like, really tired. but reading for an hour and a half and laying in bed trying to sleep doesn't really remind me of the word "fun" at the moment. hopefully writing something will help me wind down . . blah. this is pathetic, I'm going to try to sleep again. sorry to anyone and everyone who read this!

in my life that I have been genuinely happy, in Racine, for more than three days, since I reached adolescence. and probably in my whole life, too. if ignorance is bliss, then this is the first time that I've not been ignorant of all the problems that may or may not be present in my life and I'm still content. the last time I was really happy was last summer, in Europe, but that followed a phase where I was actually depressed, staying up until 6:30 a.m. because I couldn't sleep, hung up on things that I could never change . .

and now things are different. I am in control of my own happiness. my life is changing, and I am unbelievably happy. I still have problems: I'm still single, and somewhat lonely, but I am happy nonetheless. I am still stressed out, but I'm learning to handle it and find the fun things in life along the way. I'm finally discovering what I enjoy doing, not in the sense of discovering what I'd like to have for a vocation, but in the sense of how I spend my time as an adolescent.

I have been perfectly content for four days, instead of just a day or a night even.
things are getting better.



jump from the hook;
you're not obliged
to swallow anything you despise . .
- The Shins

at least we know now who is the bigger person.

:)

I'm really happy we're through. you know, it just doesn't make it blatantly obvious that you despise me to the core when I go and talk to a group of people you're in and you just stare off into the distance, not acknowledging the fact that I exist! I'm very happy we're not friends, but who said we had to be bitter enemies?
not me, that's for sure. go fuck yourself and I'm a whole hell of a lot better without you. I can think straighter about things without getting you confused in them. my life is simpler, and happier. but I'd like a little bit more respect, please, if that's not too much to ask. we have to tolerate one final year together, you know. anyway.

time to study for AP U.S. . . AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

so, a lot of shit has happened to me in the past few days. but you know what? it all needed to happen, and I'm so much happier that it did.

first, take my running for president . . and losing. I am perfectly okay with it. I mean, sure, I wanted to win pretty badly, but I see the fact that I actually had the nerve to run for office in a school that has hated me since the seventh grade as a big accomplishment, and I'm really proud of myself for doing it. even though I didn't win, it's almost like a sign that I've at least become somewhat accepted after, what, 11 years at one school?! haha, yeah. I'm looking forward to getting out of there, and also, now that the campaign is over, I can resume talking about how much I fucking hate Prairie. um, anyway. the last good thing about this is I won't have as much responsibility next year. I was prepared and more than willing to assume responsibility for the office, but now I just don't have to worry about it. yup.

then, I'm really happy about one other thing. I know how detrimental internet drama is, so I'll just keep it short and sweet . . I don't need you anymore :). the only thing you ever did to me was drag me down, and now you don't have to ever again! the past few days have been the best I've had since before we were friends, so I'm really glad we ended it. yay.

oh, and if you do happen to see that, I don't fucking care anymore! cool.

so the last few days have really taken on an optimistic tone. I couldn't be more excited for summer, and for my APs to be done, and yadda yadda yadda . . I can't wait to leave prairie. this summer is going to be so much fun though, I have so many more friends that I've made this year when I haven't confined myself to pleasing one person and one person alone . . please don't interpret that as written in a sexual tone, hah. and yeah . . I'm just in a really good mood right now, even after going through two really shitty events. they just turned out to be . . good in the end. :)

ahhh I can't believe it! the three things that have been causing me an immense amount of stress for basically the past two and a half months will all be finished in just over a week! I honestly can't wait for when my APs are done with and my thesis is turned in . . now that I have a solid rough draft and I'm studying all this weekend and solo ensemble is over, I don't know, I'm just really excited to have a life again :) I might be going on the physics six-flags trip, depending on how much studying I have left to do on AP U.S. after this weekend, but if I seriously get to go . . that would be fucking amazing. letting go before it's all over, but BAH WHO CAREZ! I can't keep sacrificing my life for stupid homework. I work hard now so I won't have to later, but I'm kind of tired of working hard right about now. this is rambling, my writing is no bueno at 1 in the morning . . but basically, yes, school is almost over for this year and summer is going to be GREAT. I know it. :)

in other news:
- solo & ensemble went a LOT better than I expected it to
- this weekend had a really horrible start but I'm okay now
- vote Rachel Bloom for student body president, still!

goodnight[morning]! ;D

well, I can't really say that much for myself, other than I stand by what I said but refuse to let someone else suffer the consequences of my actions. yeah, it was probably really stupid of me to publicize my reaction, but I'm a pretty stupid person sometimes. I was only looking out for a friend who did nothing, and I mean NOTHING wrong. I can't expect you to forgive me, and that is fine. however, please don't assume that the 3rd party involved in this did anything to be hurtful to you. they did not bitch you out. they did not complain. they shared a matter-of-fact, unbiased version of what transpired and honestly felt horrible about how they had acted around the other 3rd party. however, it was my personal judgement that they should have felt no remorse, and in getting mad about it, let out my aggravation . . at 1 in the morning. sometimes what I write is a tad bit too potent at that time . . as I realize this is probably a pretty stupid thing to post as well. but if this serves its purpose, I want to ask you to forgive not me, but the 3rd party. this was in no way their fault and my actions should have no correlation with your opinion of them. I can't express how guilty I feel right now, and hope you understand that the 3rd party is an incredibly wonderful, kind, honest person that did you no wrong. this is my fault, not theirs. thank you, if you took the time to read this.

stop playing these games with me
I'm looking for a little consistency
I fell so hard, so fast, so strong
it's ironic that it can't last long

and after everything I've done,
the waiting game with everyone
the things that I've been waiting for
leave me longing for something more

and I'm not saying you're in the wrong;
it's just after waiting so long
I don't feel like things feel as good
as I hoped and thought and felt they would.

was . . interesting.
call/message me and I'll explain in greater detail ;)

I feel weird tonight

1. thank you SOOO much for completely demolishing all of my confidence in my work and in myself! I am extremely stressed out about school now, and my grades, and somehow completing all of this shit that I have been assigned . . fucking failing the junior thesis rough draft, do you call that funny?! I spent so much time on that thing and failing it with an emphasis on the circled D-range work throughout has really made me feel oh-so wonderful. shit.
2. I'm really confused about you, I don't know what satisfaction you get out of messing with me but I'd like to know whether you want to talk to me or whether you never want to talk to me again. it's too bad I'm completely powerless to get an answer from you . .
3. well, I don't know how you feel about me anymore, but I'm sorry if I just destroyed a friendship that was one-sided in several dimensions, if that is at all understandable.


I'm frustrated, what a shitty night

high school.

first, I would like to extend a warm recognition to 2nd term finals. congratulations!! as a result of your efforts, I will no longer be able to attend the college that I want because my GPA will suffer so much from your crippling effect on my AP Physics and English grades.

second, I have no work ethic, meaning I procrastinate online or otherwise electronically on homework when I could be, say, reading great literature, hahaa. or just basically bettering myself and learning about the things I WANT to, not the things I'm forced to. I was just thinking the other day actually, and also when I was writing my junior thesis [on blacklisting during the McCarthy era], "wow, this era is really interesting to learn about. it's too bad I have to do it for a grade because otherwise I would read this history book for my own knowledge." since you only live once, it's best to make the most out of that life, and part of that is learning about things that genuinely intrigue you, I think at least.

also, dear Prairie, thank you for having approximately 60 students per grade!! it's really helped my social life, you know, being around the same people for twelve years and being remembered as the person you were at age 5. I can't wait for college because I've discovered that meeting new people is the single most beneficial thing towards improving my degree of satisfaction with my life.

I'm never happy at school. I was very happy this summer in Europe, and once I came back, my happiness carried over for a few weeks. however, the second school started up again, I went back to being pensive, unhappy, depressing Rachie Faye. now, hopefully things will get better this summer, but if they do not, I think that I can keep myself alive until college.

however, what if I don't like college? what if this big, grand idea that I've built up in my head of an idealized place to have a bunch of good, close friends and learn what you want is inaccurate? I understand that it will be somewhat, but if I wind up being depressed in college like I have been sometimes in high school, I don't know what I'll do, because after that, your life can only get worse if you haven't found what you're looking for. god, this is depressing.

I'm also sick of another thing: waiting. it seems like with everything and everyone, I am always WAITING. whenever I try to be proactive, I always have to wait for the results anyway . . by the way, this is mostly a social issue but can apply to other various realms of my life. well, you know what? I'm sick of it. and the worst part is that I know I'll keep on waiting, forever, until someone decides to respond. I'm a bit too much of a pushover.

so I'm unhappy at school. high school makes me unhappy. high school drama is stupid, high school relationships are stupid, high school grades are ridiculous . . and stupid; high school in general is just STUPID. surrounded by all of this stupidity, it's a wonder that I'm not! . . I think . . ;D


anyway. I should really get to preparing my English final . .


. . shit.

your arrival was unexpected,
but such a pleasant surprise -
you gave me friendship
you gave me a chance;
you gave me hope

I fell so fast
I didn't know why
it was the first time
I had stumbled upon
something good

you led me on,
believe that it's the same
one way as the other
a two-way road
that could span the distance we could travel

but now I'm left
more empty than before
yearning for the answer
that you refuse to give
it's not yes, it's not no

you
give
me
NOTHING

it's been a trend with the people I've met
take a chance and left with no reply
no closure, no answer to get me by
it's just
. . blank . .

I am afraid to speak
for fear of being heard
I've done enough damage
why risk any more?
I thought that you were worth risking for

but without something to confirm
what I hoped to hold true
how am I supposed to act?
it's your turn now,
your time is running out

speak your mind,
yes or no;
I'm sick of this shit
of this game you play,
for it's getting redundant

I thought it was girls who play hard-to-get,
I thought it was men who make that move,
but I suppose that it's up to me now,
it's always my responsibility,
and I don't want that any longer

I'm making decisions for the rest of my life
and no one is there to guide me;
no one is there beside me
to hold me or to hide me
I need you to set me free

so stop playing coy, I don't deserve this mess.

I feel so built up
everything inside so full
something had to give
it feels as if I’ve burst
and nothing will ever be
the same as it was before

and all this idealism
the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams
of what great things the future would bring
it’s all gone now
it’s all disappeared
and I don’t know why

things were about to change
look up, look around, the world
see through new eyes
that appreciate and cherish
it was different then,
it kept growing on me

but now I’ve forgotten how to feel
so secure and honest and happy and real
filled with feeling and sensation
hope and despair collide without warning
to form something I can’t take back
I can’t take it back; it won’t go away

no matter how hard I can try

I'm finally starting to see all the ways my future could play out for me . . and I'm scared. with so many different paths to follow, what if I choose the wrong one? I assume that I'll be happy once I find something that is at least pretty decent, but before that . . I'm just so overwhelmed and confused by the possibilities.

first, what college am I going to? I've had a little too much of colleges these past few days . . hah . . and I'm nervous I won't fit in at whichever one I chose or whatevah . . and there are things with people too, like I don't know who I'll keep up with after high school, and there are some I don't know if I'll be able to . . I really hope that if you really really want to see someone and make an effort to, things will work out . . I'm really happy things worked out this weekend, for example . . :) also, I use the word "really" far too frequently.

but I've just been reminiscing and daydreaming about the future and I am just . . scared. yup. that's the best way to describe it.
scared to death of life.

[that is definitely an ~*^~*^~*~^*~^*~^*~^~*^~* statement!!!!!!!!!! ;D lawlz.]

for the past year and a half or so, my attitude towards everything has been:
"wow, I can't wait to be done with this"
or
"this sucks, but it'll all be over soon."

and how accurate I have been! . .

I've been concerning myself with the future for my whole life, and have really forgotten how to enjoy the present. there are a lot of things I dislike about myself and about my life, but I think that now . . I should just make the best of it.
a combination of things have led to this realization; I will mention that watching American Beauty 4 times in the past few days has definitely had an impact . . haha . . today I was just thinking . . "wow, time sure passes by quickly, a year ago . . wow . . that was a year ago . . it's been over six months since I went to Europe . . it's been over a year since this and that . . "
and I thought, holy shit, at this rate, my childhood will be completely wasted by the time I start enjoying myself, if that is ever a possibility. and seriously, life is too short. I know I sound cliché and lame, but it's been a very long time since I was truly happy with everything . . I've never been completely satisfied. but I just need to put the bad parts of life behind me and appreciate the world we live in, no matter how messed-up and unfair it is sometimes . .
so junior year sucks. I don't like a lot of people at prairie. but there ARE people I do like and just need to make an effort at being closer with them, I suppose. my workload is horrible but I should seize every possible opportunity to improve upon relationships with these various people. I shouldn't despise the time I spend at school just because some elements are frustrating! there are still things I can do! and it's fine that I look forward to things, but I shouldn't hate the intermediate time between events.

maybe things are finally changing a little . . :)
to contradict myself, I can't wait until warm weather. ;D

I'm really okay with everyone right now . . hahahahaha
kewlie! I hate school and research papers, but maybe I should spend some more weekends isolated at home . . it's relaxing and gave me time to think/calm down from the week.
:)

through one and a half school days in 2008
before getting depressed again

I'm just never good enough
and I think too much in the future
and I'm too concerned that everything won't work out

and I'm looking back and wishing I could change things
because I don't know what I've gotten myself into
I'm hiding how I feel about many things and it hurts
I just don't know what to do, about everything

"you can fake it for a while,
bite your tongue and smile
like every mother does an ugly child;
but the stars are leaking out,
like spittle from a cloud,
amassed resentment pelting ounce and pound;
you entertaining any doubt?
because you had to know that I was fond of you,
though I knew you masked your disdain;
I can see that change was just too hard for us;
you always had to hold the reigns,
but where I'm headed, you just don't know the way . .

you had it in for me so long ago,
boy, I still don't know;
I don't know why and I don't care
hardly anymore;
if you'd only seen yourself hating me,
when I've been so much more than fair,
but then you had to lay those feelings bare."

- The Shins